In order to figure out what is going on with ourselves, we have to know what the fear is and how it’s triggered. The top 10 fears people experience with shyness usually occurs because something horrific has happened to us before.
Thinking back to our lives and how these fears were created is going to help us overcome them. We can go back in our minds and identify the reason we feel shame.
Commonly done with therapy but easily done by yourself. I debated whether or not to include the life story project in a post before, but feel it’s a good time to bring it up now.
What are the top 10 fears people experience with shyness?
- Fear of rejection – We feel that nobody understands us and always obsess about the worst case scenario happening. If we make an effort to say hi, people are likely to ignore us or tell us to fuck off.
- Fear of being singled out – This is especially hard when there is a group. We are led to believe that anytime another person sees us trying to do something they will make a loud announcement about it. Once this happens we are going to be made fun of or something worse.
- Fear of looking foolish or stupid – The mistakes we make in front of other people seem 10x worse then they are. We know that it’s going to happen so we either try to hide what we are doing or wait for nobody to be around.
- Fear of doing something for the first time – We know from experience that nobody gets great at something without practice. But for some reason, we seem to forget that fact when anyone else is around. If we can’t be great at it right away then most likely we won’t try it.
- Fear of eating in front of others – anyone who is a little messy while enjoying lunch has probably worried about this one. In our minds, we think any noise is going to be wrong, that we are going to eat things in a weird way, or that somebody is going to do something to our meal.
- Fear of silence – we don’t know what to say to people but it’s even worse when it’s too quiet. We figure that other people are planning some kind of terrible action which will embarrass or humiliate us. Sometimes we fear that they are planning to hurt us.
- Fear of not knowing where everybody is – a panic can set in when we have our backs to other people. For some reason, it’s usually not a good thing and people who laugh at anything only make it worse. If I can’t tell what they are doing they must be pointing at me so that others will laugh.
- Fear of our own appearance – Everything we do is wrong, everything we wear is wrong, everything we say is wrong. We convince ourselves that the way we comb our hair, the shirt we put on and everything else will be ridiculed. It’s a no-win situation in our minds because even when we try to get the same look or same clothes we somehow screwed things up.
- Fear of being different – whether we like something that nobody else talks about or we want to do something that isn’t popular. We put ourselves under the microscope and start hating the things we enjoy. Sometimes we think that since nobody else does something we can’t either.
- Fear of ourselves – we have the idea that we must be perfect so that others can’t pick us apart. We are always inside our own heads about everything we say, think, want, need, dream, desire, and do. We never get comfortable with ourselves and often are miserable because of this.
Whether you can identify with any of these or all of these is one way to gauge your level of shyness. If you simply can’t talk to other people that alone can be worked on.
The hardest one to remove is the last one #10 because it’s the only one that really matters.
The other 9 fears are irrational thinking that will be removed when 10 is changed. How do we start working on that fear?
Creating A Starting Point or Life Story
Probably the most critical thing to learn about yourself is being able to go back and realize when you picked up each fear.
For some people this will need to be done in therapy, for others it will be easier just by writing it down and repeating a few actions.
The point of a life story is to write everything down that you have any memories on. Sometimes you won’t think of anything to write but out of nowhere it just shows up.
Keeping a journal is a great idea to give yourself the needed self-talks for use immediately, but will not change everything as quickly as we want.
Aside from getting amnesia the only way to deal with a fear is to figure out when it became a fear and this way you can attack it in a way that will remove it.
Removing fears from our memories and replacing them with actions
To remove rejection as a fear we need to target positive memories that prove acceptance. Think of things like gifts you received, compliments you have gotten, awards, pats on the back, or anything that shows you have experienced good things.
I truly believe that we are born with a certain curiosity and this is to help us learn from experiences. When we have enough of these experiences we are to make use of them.
We do this by deciding whether our actions will lead us to pain, or bring us pleasure. When the majority leads to the pain we form a limiting belief that will keep us safe.
The bad thoughts or memories are only meant to prevent us from making the same mistake twice. It’s our job to replace that with what actually works. (successes)
To make this happen we need to be willing to rework our beliefs every so often in order to do what is best for ourselves.
For anyone that has kept a scrapbook or who has a family member who did this for you. You will be able to easily look back over and train yourself in things that worked.
What happens when we finish the life story?
Depending on how much work it took to create your own story, the time you get everything written down and have turned negatives into positives (mistakes into successes), you need to remember these.
If you have been reading my posts you know that I am trying to encourage everyone to start a blog. You can slowly start letting people into your life with this and it will be easier to do as you gain expertise in something.
The best way to experience this is to prove that other people still are interested in you and care about you. If blogging is something you still fear, then at least consider it as you gain more confidence.
Another way to use this post is to create your own list of fears. If there was something that you really feel I missed than share with us why it’s so difficult.
Removing these fears will release you from all that is keeping you stuck and preventing you from being happy.
These fears used to be my fears
As I grow and continue to develop positive skills, I can tell you that things slowly start to look less and less impossible.
These top 10 fears that people experience will allow you to find what you have been hiding from.
When you remove any of them a little bit of weight will be gone and you start to see how even more of life can be enjoyed.
If any of these fears mattered we would have already been dead, realize that it’s just wasted energy and be done with them.
Remember that your life story is your chance to change your outlook on what life has been.
Don’t stay stuck in the past because life is worth more than misery.