Sometimes life can feel like it’s unfair, not understanding why you’re shy is one of those areas. Why did I become shy and how come other people seem to be born this way?
Have you ever asked yourself why you can’t find the right words to say something when you like somebody?
Today is your lucky day because I am going to answer a lot of questions for you. Dealing with shyness and everything you wanted or needed to know about it.
Definition of shyness
Let’s get started and come up with a definition of what shyness really means. The dictionary defines shyness as the awkwardness or timidness that a person experiences in social situations.*(see Wikipedia for the exact definition)
In generic language this means you stay quiet and don’t talk much when other people are around. Simple enough for all of us to understand right?
What could be the cause of shyness?
Sometimes shyness is the result of feeling like you’re being judged because you’re different. Or your mind starts to indicate there is some reason that it’s not safe to speak up.
Other times, you battle nervousness that gets overwhelming anytime you realize you may be called upon to answer a question. You start to think erratically and all kinds of inner turmoil results.
How is it possible to be born like that? It simply doesn’t make sense to be afraid of looking foolish or worried about making a mistake without a previous experience.
Yet there are claims that 20% of shyness is the result of genetics. To me, that sounds ridiculous, because you are only born with two innate fears. One is the fear of falling and the other is about noise.
Loudness is something people and animals both fear without needing any previous experiences. This tells me that you cannot simply inherit a gene that makes you shy.
What possibly happened is that one or both parents beliefs became a major influence on you because the environment was a mess while being around them.
Now things start to make a little more sense because there are plenty of reasons a parent may demonstrate a fear of going out into public.
You might even see your mother or father being cursed out and notice the body language or expression on their faces become something other than happy.
One of my earliest traumatic memories
Going even further, stuff could happen in the home. I certainly know what that is like first hand, my parents were both alcoholics (drunks) who came home after my bedtime and fought very loudly.
Now, remember what I said earlier about loudness, any fighting that occurred caused problems for me. I was automatically confused and afraid left to wonder what was happening in the dark room right next to my parent’s bedroom.
As you can imagine that wasn’t a one and done kind of thing. It kept repeating itself and got so bad that I used to be terrified of leaving the bedroom.
My own bed was right next to the wall and in desperation, I would relieve myself on that wall rather than go out into the unknown hallway.
The very fact that I remember it, should demonstrate just how damaging things can become for a child of that age. I even developed a habit where I would roll my head from side to side just to try to stay calm at night.
It worked to keep the noise down, but I have always wondered why this started? It was just a habit I seem to have always had.
What does dealing with shyness mean?
To figure this out we are going to take a look at what kind of challenges result from living with this type of awkwardness. For a person who battles with their ability to speak up around other people, there are plenty of obstacles.
Obstacle 1 – Have you seen a shy person trying to ask a question? Do you understand the fear they have?
I can tell you from my experiences this can be a huge challenge because raising your hand or being capable of speaking up is quite difficult.
There are times that you don’t really want to draw attention to yourself and by saying out loud that you don’t understand something means making a major decision.
Do I ask a question and have everyone else know I am stupid? Do I try to wait and ask later knowing that I may not be able to talk to the person if other people are too close to hear what I ask?
When our minds are worried we scramble our words and it may come out as rambling or it trails off at the end causing the question to be confusing or to go unheard.
There isn’t anything else that seems more nerve-wracking than having to repeat yourself over and over. This is because you know it may not make a difference. You’re just as likely to remain quiet and end up becoming irritated over nothing.
Rather than learning to use a stronger voice, you end up no longer wanting to ask any questions at all.
This eventually means you have to figure things out all by yourself. Going through life being much quieter then everyone else leads to poor self-esteem and no self-confidence.
How can we become proud of ourselves when we can’t voice our opinions or join in activities that involve conversation?
I have learned over the years that you really have to be extremely careful. Anything that feels forced will result in embarrassment or cause you to feel shameful.
These are the thoughts that go on inside your head, and they aren’t actually true. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or does because they will not know you as well as you know yourself.
In order to love yourself and care about what you want to do, you must remember that everyone thinks about themselves when they are in public. It’s not something you need to be worried about at all.
There are people who believe you have to bring a person out of their shell. This is not a good idea because it puts a bullseye on the person who is struggling.
The best way to get someone to slowly come around is to encourage them indirectly to take an interest in something like acting. The initial idea may feel very weird, but the comfort will increase after every performance.
Over time this is usually enough to create experiences where being around people and speaking up becomes natural. Getting this to happen will be entirely up to how much desire the shy person has to be social.
Obstacle 2 – Shyness creates an avoidance of other people. As a result, you are much less likely to learn what kinds of things everyone else finds interesting.
This will continue to be a problem because you will not know or understand how to carry on idle chit-chat. Instead, you will be more likely to run hundreds of different conversations through your head without being able to pick the ideal way to join in.
When you don’t know how to speak up, it leads to more situations where you will just listen. In case you haven’t noticed a shy person can be a great listener, but that doesn’t mean you can ask the questions at the right times to understand how to be a friend.
In fact, there are many times when you think of something great to say, but it’s poor timing.
Meaning that the conversation has already moved on to another topic. Leaving you feeling down on yourself for thinking too slowly.
As children, you likely followed another person around but seemed very weird because you didn’t participate like they did. Depending on these early actions you may or may not struggle to make any friends and even be seen as arrogant.
People will label you incorrectly and unless you go to extremes to show them you care, you’re stuck with that label for quite some time.
People have the ability to bring you out of this shell but only when they are patient with you. Being teased can make it extremely unlikely that you will stick around, so don’t expect for that to be okay. Once you learn to stand up for yourself it may even develop into a solid reason to fight, because being picked on grows old quickly.
I actually confronted many people who picked on me growing up, two of my best friendships started as a result of trading punches. When things calmed down it would develop a bond and we became friends after a fight.
We carry emotions no different than anybody else and just because we aren’t vocal about things our faces usually show what we feel. Everyone reveals their true feelings through body language and facial expressions.
The solution is to learn how to take an interest in other people. You will need to find a way to stop that inner noise and one of the best ways to do that is to start meditation.
Once you have found the ability to focus, you can start to get to know the types of things that will help you fit in better. I tried playing sports but was unable to get that noise out of my head.
Don’t allow yourself to believe that you need to change anything about yourself to be liked. This is only for when you are tired of being mistreated, which suggests that it’s your own desire to learn who you truly are.
Obstacle 3 – People will take advantage of you because you aren’t as likely to make a big scene to stop them. You are probably emotionally motivated to lend others a few bucks or let them borrow something.
This may eventually come back to bite you in the ass because when people are selfish, they will not care about what happens to you.
A shy person genuinely has a big heart. We are among the first to offer our ear to listen because that is something we excel at.
You will end up being victimized because of your caring nature and eventually can learn to trust nobody. Maybe you have seen a shy person who will keep trying hard to fit in.
Then one day you just stop seeing them and it’s very likely somebody has hurt them enough that they will stop trying. It doesn’t take but one bad apple to ruin the bunch for it to really change things.
I didn’t honestly keep track of how much stuff I didn’t see again, but I got tired of it. Even when I didn’t let people have something they wanted, later when I came back it was gone and had been stolen from me.
Happened several different times when I collected sports cards.
Obstacle 4 – There will be times where you feel pressured to act or behave a certain way, and it isn’t something we are good at handling.
This includes doing things that go against our core beliefs and values. Beware that you may or may not give in to peer pressure. Depending on how bad that feeling is to be included in something.
Before knowing what you want outta life, things will not make a whole lot of sense. The more open to the world you are, the more potential you have to eliminate the bad situations you will find yourself in.
Chances are pretty high that you will have to make some tough decisions, and not all of them will be what’s best for you. This is just a part of learning and you shouldn’t let mistakes prevent you from doing anything.
Once you figure out that a mistake is a lesson in life, you will then realize there isn’t a good reason to beat yourself up over these mistakes.
I don’t know what choices will come up for everyone, but it’s one of the reasons you need to learn to respect yourself.
That way you don’t go along with things knowing it will be against your beliefs to do so. People pleasing is a bad habit because it’s doing something you don’t want to just to make other people happy.
So, remember you don’t have to end up as everyone else’s target. It’s definitely okay to say you don’t want to do something or to tell somebody else they are wrong.
Obstacle 5 – There is an extremely difficult point in a shy person’s life because they are either going to figure themselves out or be completely confused about everything.
Because they don’t ask the questions they often miss out on life’s lessons which other people pick up quite easily. Aside from lacking the skills to carry on a conversation, you can become unaware of what actually is happening around you.
This is due to the fact that you may fantasize about how life would be different if you could only find your voice. One of the greatest moves you can make is to find a role model.
When you don’t know enough about where your life is heading, having someone great that has exactly what you want will be a huge advantage.
I can tell you just how badly I wish I had known this, but everything is fine for me now. Don’t miss out on anything because you chose not to participate.
Hopefully, this gives you some information about what it’s like being shy. There are going to be differences in your experiences because we all live very different lives. Your experiences can be similar but at other times it’s your family experiences that influence who you become.
Not only your family but with each and every person you come into contact with. When you and I have different teachers, friends, friends of friends, acquaintances, coworkers, bosses, and so on…
We develop completely different experiences which shape our thoughts and our beliefs in different ways. The truth for you may be the opposite of what is true for me.
I find that you don’t really know a shy person unless you actively take the time to ask them the right questions. Lucky for you I am a recovering awkward and shy person and know many of the right questions to ask.
What goes on inside the head of somebody dealing with shyness?
This is where the differences between shyness, social anxiety, and fear all come into play.
Since all types of people impact your life, many don’t realize that you will learn their habits which can be either good or bad.
It’s not just their habits because you will learn some of the same beliefs, values, morals, and get ideas from anyone who you interact with.
Imagine all of the weird things you see going on in your family. There is a high chance that you will behave in similar ways to what you observe.
The more unusual the environment you spend time in, the more likely you will act or think in an unusual way.
Once you begin to interact with other people who are not familiar, you will notice more unusual behaviors than what your family was like.
This can make you second guess how you should interact and it happens quickly within your mind and your thoughts.
Remember what shyness actually is so that you will understand the differences I am going to give you here. Social anxiety is a different thing from shyness because this starts to get into a mental disorder.
Think of shyness as being a cautious behavior were you are second guessing any and all actions that you could choose. Next, you put anxiety on top of that and you experience displeasure at the same time you are feeling unsure of yourself.
The anxiety you feel is brought on by the thoughts you have. Which means you begin to think about bad things happening and as a result your body experiences that distress which your mind has caused.
These two things happen for lot’s of reasons and they don’t have to exist together. You can be shy without feeling socially anxious. Or you could be socially anxious but have no problem knowing exactly what to do.
I will not label anyone else as being socially anxious or having a social phobia. I can, however, tell you that I have gone through extreme shyness, social anxiety, and social phobia.
To me, there are very thin lines between all 3. Regardless of what anyone else thinks I will let you know how it was for me.
To do this I am going to include some of my more common thoughts as I went through these things.
Hopefully, in doing this you can either relate or think what you will, but know that it can help you.
My thoughts on dealing with shyness, social anxiety, and social phobia
Fear, terror, or horrifying events all fit in with the thoughts I had on any given day. That is just a small fraction of what life was like going forward for me.
I had anxiety whenever a fear was triggered, I would be left with my disappointing thoughts which lead me down depressions very scary road.
People say you must hit some type of rock bottom before you can be desperate enough to make a change. I would have been happy if somebody would have helped because my mind got bad when left alone to think.
Shyness means an avoidance of the awkward moments. It’s got more in common with being cautious then it does in regards to fear. You can try to predict the outcome of “what if” something I say leads to a painful experience.
Because it’s about avoiding those situations even when you really want to participate. To actually get inside the head of somebody who is shy means you have to think safety first and risk last.
To understand the thoughts you need to hear them repeatedly before every single decision is made. There is an inner voice that would suggest many alternatives.
An example is rolling the dice, you will have many possibilities but no way of knowing exactly which two dice will come up. This means it’s going to take a while to understand each outcome and what the percentage of something being painful are.
When the decision must be made quickly, thinking of any good outcomes are impossible. Based on experience good things just don’t happen to somebody who is quiet.
Remember this is the thinking that goes along with something as basic as whether to say hello. Let’s just use that as an example because the thoughts which come up go like this:
Here is an example of a typical problem
What will be the reaction if I say hello? Should I look at them or look down? Should I introduce myself?
- Will I be judged because everyone else says something different?
- Will I embarrass myself somehow?
- Should I use my hand and wave?
- Will I go unheard because I am quiet?
- Will they not even acknowledge the effort I just made?
- Will I get hit because of it or will I do something else which causes people to target me for the rest of the day?
Almost the instant I think about saying hello everything quickly scrolls by and the fear of not knowing sends shivers throughout my body.
That was just for one word in one passing second of the day. Multiply that times the number of possible interactions and people. What you end up with is an anxious and cautiously fearful person who just doesn’t know what to do.
Dealing with shyness and our body language?
Up til now, we haven’t even mentioned the awkwardness of our appearance. This brings even more challenges to the life of the shy person.
When it’s not just about the words which may or may not come out, there is body language, clothing, hand gestures, facial expressions, pimples, bruises, scars, wounds, fingernails, hair color, hair length, teeth, breath, and on and on.
Picture the anxiety that follows just one of those areas…
The same things which everyone thinks about, except there is an obsession with being different about everything in order to not look the wrong way.
The “wrong way” doesn’t even come with a definition but it’s easiest to say similar to everyone else. Sometimes this is impossible to do and then the worrying will prevent us from relaxing and getting comfortable.
I know this is sounding like anxiety or social phobia but for me, it all blends together. It’s how things went from being shy and uncertain to being extremely anxious and I think it’s helpful if there is a way to show this.
On top of the personal things, there are also settings and locations
Where things are happening will make a difference. By not feeling comfortable, the best thing is to be left alone. There are places that cause less stress or anxiety as I am sure you all know about.
For anyone who has been shy, this can quickly get complicated. You would think there would be obvious places where things would be sort of a sanctuary but even this may or may not be true.
I can tell you that when your home isn’t that place, your secure and safe options become a challenge to find. Often the same people you know aren’t any different than strangers.
When home life is full of stress, anxiety, and fears you really don’t have anywhere to go and you start to fight your way to some type of comfort.
Living with these feelings of not knowing is horrible and not because we are unable to rest, but because for some people bad experiences just follow them.
For me, they always seemed to catch up no matter where I was or who was around. This shouldn’t be surprising since you aren’t able to run away from your thoughts, you can only drown them out.
They always come back and cause many real concerns especially when you feel threatened. You will start to identify places that feel dangerous before entering and eventually you make them just as bad as everywhere else you’ve been to.
Nightmares turn your life against you with bad memories and bad thoughts
They say your brain protects you from harm, and that you won’t remember the worst things that happen when the trauma is bad enough.
But that doesn’t seem like it happened that way for me, I experience memories and relive the intensity of them all the time.
What options are available for someone like me, that just can’t seem to get away from them? The one thing I found that helps is to create stories about them.
This gives me the ability to find peace and to finally move on. I started with a journal and eventually began to blog.
With a combination of meditation to relax me, everything started to get better. I have even tried hypnosis and will continue listening to the wonderful audios that cover many problems.
Shyness versus choosing to be quiet?
I have come across people who say that they’re not that bad or that they don’t mind being shy and quiet. I am not sure then if what they actually have is a part of this at all.
Shyness is something unwanted, it’s there and you dislike it to a point that you wish you were somebody else. Being quiet may just be your preference but then it’s not the same thing at all.
I believe that certain people can deny or lie to themselves about being a certain way until they have convinced themselves that it’s preferred. But the idea of choosing to be quiet eliminates the probability that you are shy at all.
Remember this is what I believe and you are welcome to challenge that yourself.
Diagnose yourself any way that helps, but identify the issues
The sooner you can start identifying your issues the easier it will be to change yourself and make progress just the way you want.
When you have gotten progressively worse each year you’ve been alive, things start to get old and when you have four decades of memories, the journey back can get way out of control.
We all have bad dreams or feel ashamed of things as our lives go on. There are easy techniques which solve those problems, you just have to know what they are and then do them.
But what about the others who don’t even understand what’s going on or why they are like that. I know for quite a while I wasn’t sure either.
The guilt and the shame you feel which eats away at your soul, knowing about it can cause your dreams to become horror movies.
Why should you keep a dream journal?
Once these nightmares take over your mind, it becomes hopeless to stop the thoughts. There’s a point, you know they aren’t even what really happened.
Parts of them are nonsense and it’s causing you to confuse what really happened with what you’re seeing when you close your eyes now.
Trying to keep things separated because your mind constantly fails to really protect you. The harm is real because it’s so damaging it feels like you’re not going be able to rest.
The despair takes over and depression sets in. Nobody deserves to feel this way, but you still have this happening. Why? When did the universe turn against only you?
Where are the good memories and why don’t I experience them anymore?
Learning more about your subconscious mind is going to let you in on how things truly work. Your dreams aren’t about what happened, they are created with your memory and your imagination.
That means that they can represent your thoughts, wishes, fears, experiences, doubts, worries, dilemmas, and anything that you see or hear, taste or touch, and certainly what you feel or smell.
Knowing that your mind is constantly trying to help you handle things and prevent you from going insane, is going to indicate the usefulness of keeping a dream journal.
That is the only way you can learn to recognize the symbols that your mind uses to communicate with you when you are sleeping.
Torn apart from within and left with no hope
Up to this point, I have been showing you what it’s like to live going from a shy person who started out just a little awkward, to one who has gotten considerably worse over the years.
There is more to the story then just what really happens in the mind. This is a type of turmoil brought on by inner battles and conflicts.
It’s what happens when there is no self-identity to take control. Or when that identity is completely different than the one you want and desire it to be.
Left to fend for one’s self isn’t always this bad. I have only given up on myself once and that is the only reason I knew I had to take control back or die.
Shyness by itself isn’t something to really worry about. Most people will likely overcome whatever it was that made them uncomfortable and awkward.
Those aren’t the people I am trying to help. I want them to also gain this information, but I really want to help the ones who are just like I was.
Who didn’t have the options to get help when it would’ve mattered the most, and who would likely try to take their own lives before it’s time.
Remember that you can develop this at any point in your life, it’s based on bad experiences after all. The choices that were once available may not still be there and it can start to turn yourself into a mess.
A warning can often be overlooked and ignored
The sooner you’re able to figure out that you have a choice about being shy, the better. Then you will make the decision that works best for you.
It’s a different process for each and every person, but if a shy person had told me how they overcame it I might not have gotten so bad.
Lot’s of people identify with shyness and love the life they have. I wasn’t like that and looking back on things, I now know when the best time to take action is.
Here is your opportunity, you can take the steps required to gain more self-confidence and because of that more self-esteem will build up, but one thing about being quiet and awkward is when you actually do find the information you at least know it’s real.
I didn’t pay attention enough for that chance or perhaps I didn’t understand what options I truly had. By the time I really knew I was a mess, I was already a drunk who didn’t care about living.
The only thing that mattered was staying as far away from those nightmares and memories as I could. But even if they came up while I was drunk, I would black out and forget most of what I had planned to do.
Somehow I was lost and didn’t figure this out, or I was too blind and negative to think things would work. I knew people who tried to give out advice, it’s just I wasn’t ready to listen.
My personal solution was to find any other people who wanted to drink a ton just like I did. But when those types of people turned their backs to me as well, I was left alone and isolated myself completely.
Resentments grew stronger and anger towards myself became so intense it often consumed my behavior. My body began to perish while I was in denial about what I was doing.
The money problems were merely background noise and the last thing I wanted to have to face. I became such a coward I hid away alone and willing to torture myself till death.
But something refused to let me go, and there was great remorse when I swallowed a lot of pills.
Looking for simple solutions and one-time cures
I had always been a closed-minded person, and sadly this is a mistake come to find out. Countless people can guide you through anything when you listen.
Remaining cautious forever and thinking you can play it safe, will lead you down a road which isn’t helpful.
Finding a solution that only works temporarily for your situation can make you waste your time believing it’s a cure when it’s a curse.
Drugs and alcohol were ways that I started feeling more comfortable around people. But it came with several sacrifices one of them was the obsession which grew dangerously bigger every day.
Being genetically compatible with alcohol meant I could tolerate a lot of it and not have the hangovers which normal people get.
That also meant my opinion of how much to drink wasn’t a normal idea either.
As soon as I got to drinking every day for the social feeling I got, the sooner the problems would begin.
Needless to say, there are countless other fake cures out there which destroy a person far more than help them. Sometimes you have to learn a very costly lesson in order to share it with people and hopefully help them.
I am actually grateful despite the terrors I went through and it’s where I gain a lot of strength from now. Clueless and lost but not completely so that I couldn’t grab hold of what was needed and at the right time.
My battle with sobriety has really opened up my eyes to what things are important and what things don’t have any value whatsoever.
One great tip is to keep an open mind no matter how many different advisors it takes. If my own experiences aren’t enough to convince you, then go out and learn from somebody else.
Just keep trying things out until you’ve found a solution that speaks to you.
What helps when dealing with shyness?
Once upon a time, my mind was my worst enemy, it felt like a stranger who didn’t have my back. But because I gained the right information I knew how to take back the control I needed.
It wasn’t easy and it’s ongoing to continue to keep it this way. There are countless resources available, my hope is to share those with everyone.
Understanding ourselves goes a long way into finding the useful from the stacks of useless. The internet is full of people who know how to research just enough to regurgitate the same bad advice.
I had to go through it all to find the most worthwhile ideas to try out, and because of that, I am now confident I can not only help people to overcome their own shyness challenges.
But I can also help those who are just curious and would want to understand what words like shyness mean, what social anxiety is like, how destructive limiting beliefs are.
It’s just a matter of building up strength in our lives in as many places as we can so we not only know something is right, we feel it and show it when we enter a room.
It’s far more powerful than simply reading a book, or following a course. But having those things helps to point us in the right direction.
By looking directly at yourself, and asking some difficult questions. You will gain the best means to become a confident and successful leader, instead of an unsure and cautious bystander.
I recommend that you begin by figuring out your best skills and abilities. The things which you excel at that other people would probably be a little jealous of.
This will allow you to do something that’s in demand and easy for you while you look to improve in other areas. For me, one of my strengths was learning and teaching others.
I hadn’t thought about taking the time to start designing a blog, or that I knew of things that would help another person.
Once I started taking different ideas and writing them out, I realized I am not that bad of a writer either. Several personality tests had stated I would be good at writing but I have struggled with that idea before, I just said whatever.
The more I continue practicing it, the better I get. Grammar may be a different story, but getting words written down and then trying to line them all up to make sense, is easier then I thought it would be.
I may not become the greatest writer or convince everyone else that I am right, but it doesn’t matter that much either. You live a life that serves a purpose and it allows you to grow and find the best skills for you to do your best work.
That’s just one or two things I learned about myself as I continue to look. One by one I built a list of things I wanted to learn, and slowly I keep working on those.
I was definitely the type of person who thought you would automatically know what you’re good at and when there wasn’t anything which stood out, I thought it meant I was worthless.
But the challenging thing is you don’t always notice these things. You take them for granted because it’s likely you just do them and give it little thought.
For any of you that may not believe you can become exceptional at something, I dare you to try several things you already do and look at how it might be useful to teach somebody else about it.
Information and knowledge are more powerful than you realize!
Our minds demand we understand everything because it’s such an amazing tool to develop.
Just because we can be weak at things one day, we can see how much power it will bring us tomorrow.
It’s vital to take care of this one mind we have and not dilute it or destroy it with temporary fixes.
Like they say we build up tolerances and eventually our minds learn that little tricks we depend on no longer work.
Happiness starts from within and what we know is definitely a major player. What we continue to learn is priceless because it gives us all the motivation we can handle.
I learned that I was shy very early, but also aggressive because sometimes two sides don’t get along. I was a troublemaker and got into trouble everywhere I went.
The obstacle for me was to try and understand who and what I was. That didn’t exactly happen because I wasn’t taught how to be happy being myself.
I remember going to learn about warm fuzzies and cold pricklies. But that seems now like a vague dream that could have been shown on television.
That was just a small part of conditioning put into place against what I actually felt like. Being nice was a strange and bizarre part of this world.
One that I have struggled with for quite a while. I consider myself kind and caring, but nice… not always. It’s hard, to be honest, and always be careful about not hurting other people.
Then you factor in the rules, the laws, and how to be respectful. Two completely different things from where I grew up learning from the examples I had.
It’s like saying be careful before you jump towards the unknown. To understand what is coming up before you are able to see what’s around the next corner.
Needless to say, there was quite a bit of inner conflict for me, and it only grew bigger as I continued to remain confused. I struggled with friendship, what I thought it was turned out to be false.
Things kept changing each year, something new, something weird, not quite being able to figure out what was going on.
Even to this day, a part of me challenges what right and wrong really mean. But one can only tolerate so much before they no longer behave one way and become another for the sake of those around them.
Being shy was a result of the people around me thinking I needed to be negatively reinforced for being aggressive. Once I started down that path it only brought more problems.
It wasn’t until I started blogging that I got back in touch with who I really am. The difference now from then is I am the one who controls that reinforcement. I am the one who rewards myself with the behaviors I want to make up my personality.
I am the one who knows what I should learn and what I should avoid. But I really don’t like that word avoid because I spent too much effort avoiding people for all the wrong reasons.
Avoidance is part of shyness, part of anxiety and phobia
Such a bad word avoidance and I want you to understand why. When I was unwilling to keep an open mind, I was also unwilling to change for the better.
I avoided people, places, and things because I was unsure how to interact correctly. I am able now to identify what my role in all of these situations will be.
Knowing that blaming is a waste of time and it’s no different than complaining. When you want something you go after it until you get it.
There is no room for quitting, no room for giving up, and you won’t gain any abilities when you stop learning. We all have our weaknesses but that is part of the fun because it’s from those weaknesses that we begin to excel.
What about when avoidance is good?
Avoiding danger because you might get hurt, you might die, or you might not win. A risk is also part of building yourself up and becoming a person who does things.
You need to take risks if you want to do things other people won’t do or are too afraid to do. You shouldn’t just sit back and expect things to come to you.
This, of course, wasn’t something I understood early on. I get it now, and I know that fear isn’t the real reason you avoid danger.
Sometimes it’s fine, but when it comes to being shy and being fearful. Those two things will hold you back until you figure out what it is you want.
This is why it’s important to know exactly what situations you can handle which involves danger, and the ones that you can try to do that another person just won’t be willing to attempt to do.
Knowing your strengths and your weaknesses will be the only way you can tell when it’s just too much risk.
Because you need these things, your only hope is to do something that is for a purpose and has meaning that will excite and matter the most to you.
That will give you confidence, self-esteem and build up your courage to do other things.
Here is how you gain confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth
In case you need a reminder, this is how you go from feeling worthless to becoming capable.
As your skills and abilities increase, your self-confidence grows, when your confidence grows so does your self-esteem(the value in your own eyes).
Success is dependant on these things going up because you need to accomplish small goals to gain more of them. When you reach these small goals you will want to eventually aim even higher.
You cannot have any successes when you don’t try, and you need to understand that you must keep trying. Because sitting around and not taking any actions will keep you stuck or worse, you will lose the abilities you once had.
Trying different things builds up your abilities even more because you learn something new every time you try something a different way.
Regardless of whether it works out or it doesn’t’. You shape your beliefs because of what you know and have experienced which continues to upgrade as you do more things.
Failing or not getting the desired results is still positive because you have learned to try again and do something different. These lesson and experiences become your beliefs about your capabilities.
By understanding your capabilities you can compare them to what you really want and demand out of this universe you live in. This along with the law and ethics will be a guide that shows you how to act.
What you end up with is an unbreakable set of morals and values that guide you through that same positive circle over and over until you’re as successful as you want to get.
Because success is dependant on little victories you now understand how to acquire everything you need to have in order of becoming stronger.
When you’re a champion for success, the world sees it projecting out of you and people listen no matter what you say. If you want to stop being so shy, just keep following along with what I will teach you and it will happen.
You will need to decide on what you want, and then start making a plan to go after it. When you can teach what you know to others, you will start to be known as a leader.
With this leadership, you will be able to do even more things and become even more successful. Because you can recruit other people to perform their strengths for you.
This will reach more people even faster and it should continue for as long as what you do is beneficial.
Be willing to find yourself early on and you can be unstoppable!
Having a solid path that is proven to work is the absolute most useful thing you can discover. It’s what drives people to coach and what leads people to advance our world.
Imagine all the possibilities if you can shape yourself early on, you will have everything you ever wish for and more. None of the words I write matter unless somebody comes by to read them.
It’s not about the words because it’s people who teach people.
This won’t happen if you allow yourself to stay shy, quiet and avoid people that could benefit from knowing you.
Hopefully, you don’t have to go through everything I have in order to figure all this out.
The purpose of me writing this all out is so you can have a guide that doesn’t give you all the answers. That gives you enough to put your own ideas into place and take action on those.
The challenges you must endure while finding happiness
Up to this point, I have been talking about the struggle and how you can expect to handle life with a shy personality.
In this section, I wish to start looking for what really is going on after you make a commitment to make a change in your life.
This comes only after the realization that you must put forth a tremendous amount of effort if anything is going to happen differently then what you have been taught.
The important things to remember is that most people get instructions that go against happiness and the fact that people struggle is brought on by a society which is meant to go this way.
What happens when a child is raised by parents who are unable to take care of themselves?
There is no choice for the children to be any different than the environment which is so brutally hectic they are unable to learn to adjust to other people.
Thrust into a mess of what some call a family, and left to take on everything as it comes. Not even aware that what they are learning isn’t the norm.
The problems that are developed become the schools to restructure and that alone is impossible. One teacher to keep an eye on 30 kids where even one child can be a handful.
When do you learn what is meant by happiness, how to be friendly when others are the weird ones. This will lead to even more difficulties for you.
How shyness and introversion differ
Let’s look back at what we defined as shyness, its the awkwardness that we experience when trying to fit in with others. There are many different ways that shyness impacts a person and this eventually either gets worse or fixes itself to a certain degree.
How does this compare to introversion which is a choice? Introversion is brought on because you prefer to be by yourself, you choose not to go out into public and endure those social interactions.
When you’re an introvert being out and being social gets draining on your energy levels. It’s the biggest difference between extrovert and introvert.
It’s hard to remain in an environment or situation once the energy level depletes and you have to make a choice whether to leave or stick around in a daze.
Introverts can also be shy, but normally shy people aren’t all introverts. Why? Because they don’t have the choice, and in fact, they want to be social and it’s more like they don’t learn how to be that way.
What happens to people like myself is they get confused. They began to think they are the ones choosing to be shy and be quiet. But this just isn’t true, because they have a desire which is to be like other people.
They wish to be social and are unable to figure out a way to do it. As with anything that is generically defined such as shyness, closed minded people just refuse to accept this and it’s why people are labeled as something they truly are not.
When trying to figure out what is going on they are told it’s perfectly normal. Being shy is not a mental disorder and being an introvert is by choice so neither is it.
Social problems like anxiety and phobia are the result of being misunderstood. Going unnoticed and unhelped for as long as it takes to then be seen as having a mental health issue.
Certainly, this should not surprise us that people throughout many different stages of life start to feel differently and need to be treated and helped accordingly.
How do you change this life-destroying issue?
This is where things start to get more complicated because as we have said before there are different degrees or levels of challenges and obstacles.
You learn that thoughts may be similar but beliefs are different and can vary by extreme amounts.
The quickest way to start dealing with these challenges is to get yourself setup up with a therapist who can walk you through all the needed processes.
Many people including myself didn’t have that level of comfort or the money to really get invested in this solution.
Over the course of months, years or however long it’s gonna take, you learn these small solutions that improve your life demand that you desire them strongly.
When this starts to be applied to all areas of where you need to improve, you see these small victories start to build up. Eventually, the small gains make up a big enough improvement that it’s noticeable.
The leads you to the conclusion that you can achieve a lot when you put forth enough energy. Your beliefs start to take shape about taking the right kinds of action.
From my extensive research, I have found lots of these solutions which do help to unlock the path to improvements. It’s from this research I continue to make the changes I have to make each and every day.
You probably would like to know what exactly I am talking about and that is really the point of me giving you all this other information. As I have said when the desire for change is high enough things will become much easier to do.
The point is there won’t be anything that just happens, each and every step takes actions. Once you have some results you can form a positive belief about making those improvements.
It works for everything, not just going from shy and quiet to something more outgoing and confident. But anything that you will want to change or transform in a different way about your life.
When does a shy person start to form these beliefs?
Some people who find themselves completely lost will turn to religions or cults. These can be useful when our beliefs are so corrupted that simple solutions just won’t work.
These are dangerous because it’s an extreme belief system where you are told to blindly have faith that this is the best or the only true way to live.
For me religion was a temporary option, I find too many holes in all of that to realistically accept that kind of belief system. A cult, on the other hand, is usually something that doesn’t have your best interests in mind either.
Cults are lead by people who have an agenda, so they are set up for a purpose that you will not likely be told about. You get into it and are conditioned to accept their ways and rituals.
Both options would fail in my eyes but both can work for some people. I choose to make my own belief system and this is going to be where your journey starts.
Realize that religion isn’t the only way you can believe in a power greater than yourself. In fact, it’s one thing you should try to understand because believing that there is a God or a higher power enables you to let things go and to understand that it’s because you have somebody watching out for you.
What you do is your choice!
You must figure out what you know to be true, right from wrong, and allow yourself to focus on just a few guiding principles to ensure you have your best interests at heart.
This is where you really must ask yourself many questions because you absolutely want to get this part right. There is always room to go back and update your belief system.
In fact, you will want to do it whenever you identify something that doesn’t benefit you anymore. Keeping only the best beliefs which continue to be helpful.
You will be using these beliefs to help you make all your decisions from here forward. In order to avoid internal conflicts, you must keep them close by.
As you explore what makes you feel passionate, you need to keep a type of journal that helps keep details of everything. This needs to be done often so that you learn to balance out where you are headed.
It is from your journal you can figure out what really drives you to keep going. These will be your motivators whenever you’re having a rough time.
Our emotions are very powerful motivators
When emotions go from one extreme to the next you create instability, because you are not in control of what you feel, how you feel, and how you act as a result.
Once you learn to anticipate emotions you can control your mind much easier to trigger pleasure and avoid pain. Now remember how much I disliked avoidance earlier, that was because you didn’t have any control.
Your emotions made your thoughts so irrational that you didn’t stand a chance to get anything accomplished. You hadn’t yet learned what pleasure or pain means to your mind.
For you to survive in this world you must identify what makes you feel safe or secure (pleasure) and what makes you panic or go berserk (pain).
When you learn the difference in your daily life, you can equip yourself to expect behaviors that trigger the pleasure and avoid the pain.
Easier said than done, right?
There is a reason I say to use a journal because this is how you know what will happen and that is where you can actually start to shape your experiences.
When you know from past experiences how you’re gonna react to something you can easily get prepared to handle it.
Practice and patience will play key roles here
Nobody said all this would just happen and be done in a day. Think about how long you have struggled and how long you have held on to all these misguided beliefs.
One of the reasons I spent so much time researching was in hopes that I would find a way to turn on an autopilot version of myself.
The closest couple of things that will allow this to happen, is to practice self-hypnosis, journal, and work on yourself until you are completely convinced that you know the truth about who you are.
This also includes understanding your strengths, weaknesses, preferred learning habits, self-discipline, time management, organizational skills, and special skills that will benefit what you desire.
Unfortunately, that leaves all the problems that you have accumulated in your life. Which means you must modify each specific behavior before you can become an autopilot version.
Your mind doesn’t always listen to outside factors and it can feel like you’re not gaining anything. This also means you must learn to figure out your emotions and any other ways your subconscious mind wishes to get your attention.
I have seen enough proof about hypnosis to continue practicing it. But I also know that it’s a process and it’s not gonna change me by only doing it one time.
Just like anything else these methods will require consistency and a lot of patience to allow them the time to take effect.
I am also aware that hypnotherapy does work, it’s just more expensive then I can afford. You also have to be willing to go and find a therapist who you trust.
To get comfortable letting a stranger into your mind may be hard enough, and even harder to knowingly give them any kind of control over it.
There are countless medications out there which make promises to help. The problem is they come with side effects which never really fix the core problem.
Medications may help, I have tried many myself but not to a point that I can foresee taking them very long. One thing I find ironic is that an anti-depressive medication can cause sexual dysfunctions.
That defeats the very purpose in my eyes of staying on them because when trying to escape the world of shyness you really don’t want to have that in the back of your mind do you?
Meeting somebody just to have to tell them there is a problem that is very frustrating to have in a new relationship and here is what is happening and why.
Before I wrap this up I wanted to give you hope
What you can expect going forward with me is all the help you need to make the changes which will lead to happiness down the road.
I spent a tremendous amount of time and energy going through all the same things. I believe that having the necessary personal experiences is definitely an advantage.
This gives me hope for everyone who takes this stuff seriously. No matter how stupid or silly you may think anything is.
Keep an open mind because that is what ultimately made all the difference for me.
Even when there are times in which you will be struggling to accept, know that you can do it because you truly do have faith in yourself.
Shyness is one of those words that means you’re neither right nor wrong, because it’s something personal.
There is a challenging issue within, that you feel strongly needs to change. It’s just not the best way to live when you want to be more than it allows you to be.
Dealing with shyness gets easier when you understand who you really are and what you can transform yourself into.
Let me know what you think of this post. Every comment you share makes it easier for others(including me) to know what you need help on. Leave those comments below or any questions you have.