When I started this blog, I needed help. So, today I wanted to reflect on a way that makes freeing yourself from self-destruction and loneliness happen.
I was somebody who struggled to keep any of the jobs I had been employed in. This was my own doing because I would likely get drunk and stay drunk passed the time frame I had wanted.
Typically it was soon after the first payday because I had money and didn’t care about anything else. This led me to drink in excess until the money was all gone. By the time I would than sober up, so was any chance to go back to those jobs.
My pattern repeated for at least a decade and a half because this was what I knew how to do. It was a bleak and painful journey which meant that I often imagined what I would look like as I was dying.
There wasn’t much which was in my path except a full waste of my time that I mostly don’t remember. I share more of my own selfishness in other posts but I need to share what finally broke the pattern.
Imagine what it’s like to feel sicker each day and know that you aren’t following anyone’s advice. To believe that you have just one thing that will make you feel good but you find yourself so shaky and depleted that it doesn’t stay down anymore.
That was my life and with a solid reason, I felt self-hatred which also meant I was so alone that I didn’t think there was any hope left for me.
I don’t want you to feel pity for me, I was smart enough to know how to stop the problem but I kept clinging to it for some reason.
Up until the day when I was halfway drunken to unconsciousness, that’s when my fear of death finally did something for me.
Today I Am Still Afraid And Lonely
I like to tell myself that I am on the pathway to knowing where I am going but I don’t. I am just as uncertain if what I am doing is going to work as I was back then.
Part of my issue isn’t that I don’t care about myself still, it’s that I don’t truly understand what it will take to snap me outta the financial difficulty I have gotten used to.
Did you know that I have to scrape by each month to keep this website up and running? That I spend more time taking surveys than I have ever wanted to spend and that the reason I started using Swagbucks was to pay to do something else?
My life was something I preferred because I didn’t have to spend any energy thinking, trying to improve myself and to learn how to do things any other way.
It was comfortable to be a person who avoided life completely. The reason was that I was ignorant of what my options were before. Somebody who didn’t want to look in the mirror or talk to anyone about problems.
Silly me, I believed I had it all figured out and would die sooner than later. Too bad alcohol kills to slowly or I would have never gotten this far and would have been laid to rest like the doctors used to say.
The beliefs I had weren’t designed to help me, they trapped me inside a box. They kept me from dealing with a reality that others deal with each day.
Life is full of problems and those problems need to be dealt with or you develop in the worst ways possible.
I get it, who would want to follow somebody who has little chance to find what they are looking for. Why does it even matter so much that I might figure out a way to climb up and get away from this hole that I dug too deep?
You should see all the different notebooks I have gone through. Taking the time to read and search for answers doesn’t impress many people.
What it has done is leave me to crave doing it longer and more often. Because I start to feel like I am doing something that will eventually lead me to a dream life.
The irony is that anything that keeps me sober is still a better use of my time than what I did before. So, it’s why I stay in the community that I belong too.
I am involved in a process that one day will have me writing books. Not just books but I have it in my mind to design things that will help other people dig themselves out of the holes they have dug.
But the issue that I struggle with is having the ability to connect with people on a level that I haven’t had before. Which prior to my blog was non-existent.
There was a time when I was only interested in how I could find happiness. Seems like an eternity ago based on what I believe I can do now.
The get things to happen fast mindset I was in isn’t how things work. It takes too much time to see a change happening and it feels like there is little if any progress being made.
By if you look back at my writing when I got started, I had no ability to see my own thoughts and be able to alter those in how I dealt with my life.
I can say in a positive way, (see how I know to stay positive now) that improvements do happen when you continue to work on making them happen.
Actions do lead to results and over time(even longer periods of time) things start to work out for the better. So, I don’t actually feel that loneliness now, I don’t feel like I am doing things that are making me worse, and I don’t believe that a future where I am able to help others is really that far away.
I write for myself but don’t keep things to myself anymore
Close to four decades I lived like I had to keep everything bottled up because I was afraid of what anyone might think of me. That was tougher to change than it was to stop drinking.
I didn’t know how to do the opposite because I believed there truly was nobody who cared. But in order to change things in ways that assist me more, I have to keep going forward.
There is no time like today to develop each new skill that I know will make life easier to handle.
You see, these are my words coming from me a person who used to be everything negative and nothing positive. I know things that I do actually work because even while feeling old feelings I can tell the difference now.
I know it’s just a matter of a few minutes of doing something for a purpose which will change my entire mood in no time. I may start out with a depressing thought but when I start to weigh the possibilities, I can see the better options.
The choice to sit there and be unhappy or to be miserable is always going to be there.
But I no longer have that time to waste and I don’t want to spend any time drudging things up that don’t serve a purpose. I wrote this with other people in mind because I don’t like to share stories of my past.
I like to spread joy and happiness while teaching people how not to live their lives. Seems fitting though that my own stories may look deceiving, but with a simple words things can go from negative to positive in a heartbeat.
Freeing yourself from self-destruction and loneliness doesn’t have to be complicated.
Do exactly what I do, which is to write about what will happen eventually. Thanks for reading this and be sure to share something you liked.